Lessons Learned From A One-Night Stand

I’m participating in a new blog hop. It seems to be right up my alley.
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Awesome, right? I know.
This week’s post: Lessons Learned From A One Night Stand:

After chatting online a few times over the course of about a week, he drove almost 150 miles to pick me up for our date.
Lesson #1: If he drives through more than one county to see you, it’s most likely because he
(a) is married or in a serious relationship and keeps his hoes in different area codes,
(b) has already slept with most women in his area (and their friends from surrounding areas), or
(c) was the  joke of his high school back home and is desperate to create a new image via online social pimp sites
I watched from my bedroom window as he got out of his car (oddly, a different car than the one he was standing next to in his profile picture) to ring the doorbell.
He was wearing a sweater.
I’m not talking about a hooded sweatshirt. Or a zip up sweatshirt. It was not a sweatshirt at all. It was a sweater. A knit sweater. It was thick. It looked scratchy. It was maroon with a picture of something I must have blocked from my memory. I want to say a clown – but I am 100% sure I would have not answered the door if there was actually a clown on this man’s sweater. In any case, there was a man at my door wearing a thick, scratchy, maroon sweater that had a picture on it.  I opened the door and laughed in his face we walked to his car (NOT the car he was standing next to in his profile picture), both with our own set of expectations.
We make small talk on the way to the club (keep in mind that I am about the last girl you’d ever see in any club like establishment. I’m more of a “dive bar with a pool table or two” kind of chick) and he informs me that he had to “borrow a friend’s car for the night” and other obvious bullshit I won’t bother to mention.
Lesson #2: When you smell bullshit for no good reason at all, he’s most likely:
(a) married or in a serious relationship.
(b) incredibly insecure
(c) a man
He proceeds to check BOTH his iPhone and his Blackberry several times, as if he was expecting a call or maybe – just maybe – flashing his bling.
Lesson #3: If a man has not just 1, but 2 trendy cell phones – ask to borrow one so you can call a friend to come pick you up immediately.

We get to the club and he is a gentleman with his chivalrous behavior. The old-fashioned girl in me really likes these small gestures. The tiny bit of feminist in me thinks I should be getting his door. He’s the one wearing a fucking sweater, for Christ’s sake.
Anyways, he pays the door man our cover charges (total: $14) with a hundred-dollar bill. I didn’t think much of it.
I led the way to the bar immediately, knowing this incredibly loud and highly social event calls for copious amounts of alcohol. I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. He got some frilly girl cocktail and 2 shots of Patron Tequila (my favorite). He paid the bartender with a hundred-dollar bill.
We took the shots and I downed my drink pretty quickly. I was thirsty. We shared some small talk about the scene and other shallow things of that nature when he lets me in on something he should have taken to his grave:
He was on the dance team in high school.
I got the impression that he was not confessing an embarrassing fact about himself as much as he was bragging about his taking part in the coolest club on campus. Don’t get me wrong – a man who can dance can be hot (it’s rare, but it has happened). However, paired with the facts I already had (the picture sweater, the multiple phones, and the attempts to flash his cash), it was everything I could do not to call my best friend right then to share this ridiculous turn of events.
Lesson #4: High School Dance Team = 2 guys who choreograph routines in a garage after school that no one will ever see performed outside said garage.

Okay, so two more Long Islands and 2 shots of Patron later, I’m on the dance floor with my dancing stud and his sweater. I should mention that I don’t dance. At least, not well. But whatthefuckever. I was fairly shit faced at that point and for some reason, I agreed to dance with him. I think it was probably just so I didn’t seem like the stick in the mud/ non-dancing chick I really was. Whatever the reason, I was on the dance floor. And I was dancing. And then…
we were making out.
Swear to God. One second, I’m making myself laugh out loud with jokes in my head about his sweater and how it was probably part of the required uniform for dance team competitions, the next second – we’re making out on the dance floor.
Lesson #5: Guys who wear sweaters with pictures on them and took part in the school dance team ? They are great maker-outers.

I must admit, though I’d like to say otherwise because it fits into my tiny slightly larger than medium-sized box of generalizations, this man (who suddenly earned that title) could make out like a stud. And I love me a great maker-outer.
Long story, short (or is it too late for that?) – I went back to his room with him (he conveniently had a room already since he lived so effin far away and “didn’t want to drink and drive” ) .
Short story, long – I lost 3 1/2 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.
Lesson # 6: Guys who wear sweaters with pictures on them? Don’t even take them off to have sex.
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46 responses to “Lessons Learned From A One-Night Stand

  1. OMG this is so hilarious! Funny, Funny, Funny. I can see this guy and his sweater. And ewww you made out with him. lol Blame it on The al,,al,,al,al,alcohol.

  2. Yeah, I did more than that. Double “ewwww”. I definitely blame the alcohol. Also, I blame the friend who told me that “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”. Lol. I was fresh out of a relationship when all this ridiculous activity occurred. Lesson learned, for sure.

  3. OMG! I’m going to need you to email me with this guy’s name because I think I went out with him myself cira 1999, and if it is the same guy? AND he’s wearing the same sweater today? We’re going to have to hunt him down and burn it while he watches. For reals. Oh, and he was married, and he had ho’s here and there, and he totally belonged as the focus of a SNL skit about skanky guys.
    PS…in my memory the pic on the sweater was a dog.

  4. OMG. It may have been a dog. Was the dog in the picture on the sweater also wearing a sweater? I don’t know why, but for some reason? This sounds familiar. It could very well be the same guy. If so, he really gets around.

    Unfortunately, I cannot provide the name of this man, as I (in true one night stand form) do not remember. I’d be embarrassed by that fact – but I’m not. It happens.

  5. He didn’t take his sweater off?!?!? What the eff was that about.

    (also, thanks for participating!!!)

    • Thank you. I wondered the same thing. I guess I didn’t really notice at first because, well, his body was not within my range of site right away. But less than 4 minutes later, after realizing he really was finished already, I glanced over my shoulder and caught a glimpse of the wool. At that point, I’d realized that I had wasted my time and was slightly bitter (and don’t forget mildly shit faced) about the whole thing. I was far too busy making comments regarding his performance (or lack, thereof) to ask about the sweater thing.
      Brooke, did you happen to ask our boyfriend why he was so attached to his damn sweater? I’m kind of curious now that I’ve gotten past the bitter stage.

      (And Lizzy, glad to be a part of it. This post was fun to write. I miss being all wanton-ish)

  6. Just reading this made me cringe. I want your 3.5 minutes back for you!

  7. I am desperately curious about what the picture was on his sweater. There’s a lady in my knit group who knits sweaters with raven’s for her hunky grandsons. I would hate to think she is cursing them to be part of this dufus “picture sweater group”

    • Lol. Let me just say that if there is a picture on the sweater at all, he will be labeled as part of the group. It’s unavoidable.
      What are the chances she’s knitting a Harley on the sweater? Or maybe … I don’t know … a ravenous pit bull or something? Slim to none, right? It’s going to be a puppy. Or a teddy bear. Or if he’s really lucky, he may open his gift from Grandma to discover a sweater with some sort of flower embroidered across the front.

      The thought it was really counts, so I’m sure it will mean a lot to these hunky men. If they ever want to get laid, however, I’d suggest leaving the sweaters in the closet. OR get a girl drunk and tell her they were on the dance team in high school. I heard that works, too. ;)

  8. That was funny as hell. Good thing he didn’t have a fanny pack because that could have gotten in the way.

    • Hell, one more shot of Patron and I would have done him if he had a mullet. A fanny pack is a minor setback. However, if he were wearing said fanny pack when he stepped out of his car (NOT the one he was standing against in his profile picture), the probability of me answering the door would have decreased tremendously.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  9. This?

    Oh my god, I am laughing so hard.

    This is just the best story of a one-night stand EVER.

    Oh my god.

    I am dying.

  10. Again, I am laughing hysterically in Starbucks. OMG. Wool sweater? maroon? Was there a dog on it? OMFG. And seriously?? if he’s gonna be THAT MUCH of a douchecanoe, he could at least make the sex worthwhile! Give you 10 minutes! Or! An! Orgasm!
    stupid men.

  11. Douchecanoe? LMAO. I have learned so many new words to incorporate into my everyday conversations. Who said blogging can’t be educational?

    And yes, he could have made the sex worthwhile… but he also could have worn a big boy sweater to our shitty version of the Mickey Mouse Club. Ya can’t win ‘em all, I guess.

  12. Wow! So many signs you ignored though, you’re the only one to blame ;)
    I would probably kill not to have to reveal any one-night-stand stories on my blog. Brave you!

    • I cannot deny full responsibility for this event, nor would I even try. It was such a ridiculously played move on my part – the most I can do with it is to at least laugh a little. I don’t mind sharing with the class. I’ve always been the clown, anyway.

  13. Kris sent me.

    As usual? She’s spot on.

    That’s the funniest (and saddest?) damn thing ever! I’m giggling over my yogurt.

    And disappointed. Sometimes the great maker-outers are great at other mouth-related activities. What a twit.

    Also? “Maker-outers?” *Awesome*

    • His making out abilities gave me false hope for what was to come. Sadly, it was only he who came in the end. What a disappointment. On the up side of things, however, I was lucky enough to go out with a guy who will obviously be the next “Fly Girl” if In Living Color ever goes back on air.

  14. Been there done that!
    But seeing it in writing is funnier than living it – LOL
    3 1/2 minutes lost forever – I can’t stop laughing – sorry.

  15. Oh, I can’t even think about.

    That’s why I will always stay married…always.

  16. *choke gasp snort*

    Oh my poor keyboard, all drenched now.

    Kudos for making a silk purse out of a maroon bear’s ear – what a GREAT story!

    • Thank you. I do what I can. And yeah, I’m pretty sure it was a bear. Though sometimes I’m almost positive it was a dog. One of life’s great mysteries, I suppose.

  17. You should have pocketed the change from one of those drink tabs.

    BTW, was this guy’s name Napoleon?

  18. This is hilarious!!! No seriously, you lost a whole 3-1/2 minutes AND had to stare at the sweater the whole time?!!

  19. To funny!!! How did you meet this guy?

    At least it was only 3 1/2 minutes that totally sucked as opposed to 30 minutes or more! It could have been much worse I guess!

  20. I have to agree with you there, Jackie. I’d much rather to be irritated after 3 minutes than pissed after 30.
    And to answer your question, I met him online. I cannot believe he turned out to be something other than what he described on his profile (standing against someone else’s car). *sigh*

  21. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did he leave the sweater on when he had sex?!!
    Someone was pimping you out on twitter, and I followed the link. Damn sure glad I did!

  22. Pingback: Pretty All Awesome | Who's In Charge Here?

  23. Okay, this is so effin’ funny.
    The image of the two guys in the garage, practicing their routines, is killing me.
    So glad Kris sent me over. :)

  24. HURT ME!!!
    so effing funny
    dance team INDEED!!!
    hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    hear me adding you to my blog folder under favorites?
    click…

  25. Did you happen to go out with a pimp disguised as bill Cosby? That’s all I got. Hilarious though.

    • It is so funny you said that because as I was getting visuals as I wrote this post, at one point, I thought to myself, “why does Dr. Huxtable keep coming to mind. Weird”
      Mystery solved. Good lookin’ out ;)

  26. did he even take his pants off?

    or just push ‘em down to his knees?

    glad Kris sent me over.

    you are awesome!

    • Wish I could say for sure, but I was not exactly in what you might call “the line of site” during the incident. For some reason, I thought I’d have the opportunity to switch around, but no such luck.

  27. I’m still feeling disappointed for you that I guy who is such a great maker outer, can be such a lousy lay. What? Did he stop attending class after Makeout Session 101?

  28. I too found you through Kris. Thanks Kris!

    I am, thankfully, happily married for many years now but this did bring to mind a gentleman from my past … I THOUGHT he left his sweater on, turned out not.
    One hairy son of a …

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