My Dysfunctional Oscar Awards Acceptance Speech

“And the Oscar for “Most Dysfunctional Woman of the Year” goes to:”

*drumroll*

“KALI CAPPS!!!!”

*Thunderous applause*

*standing ovation (naturally)*

ME: “I know, I know. I love you too. Thank you, everyone. Sit down! You guys are too much. Thank you. “

*the room finally quiets down*

“Wow, this is so unexpected. It was an honor to be nominated alongside these amazingly dysfunctional women; but to win? I’m very surprised and honored. Ok, let me get myself together. I hadn’t even prepared a speech; I was so sure I wouldn’t win.”

*pulls small piece of paper from back pocket*

“I’d first like to thank my husband. Honey, a day without you is like a day without sunshine. And rain. And volcanoes. I couldn’t have displayed my dysfunction on any other platform better than I have on the one you’ve helped me to build. Thank you so much. I love you”

*wipes single tear from each eye*

*pan down to audience to find husband with proud look on his face, obviously overcome with emotion*

“To my son, who fills my days with love, adventure, and catastrophe: No one could evoke the emotional roller coaster I go through several times a day the way you do. With a simple look or sometimes word, you can get me from enraged to smiles within seconds. You are amazing in so many ways. For this, I am forever grateful and eternally dysfunctional. “

*deep breath*

“Finally, to the root of my chaos; the woman who I unconsciously model myself after  on a daily basis: My Mother. If not for your unwavering example of what true dysfunction really is, and the constant you provided that let me know things would never be constant, I could never have won this award.”

“This, Mom, is for you. I love you.”

*deafening applause, tears and smiles all around*

*Cue the music*

*And fade out*