Category Archives: 7 Deadly Sins

Day Seven: Lust

Day 7 – Lust:  Seven love secrets  –  Disclaimer: I advise both my mother and my mother-in-law to stop here. Reading this will not benefit either of us. Come back tomorrow for something cute and cuddly! Love you!

I don’t do “secrets”, but I can offer some unsolicited advice in this particular area.

  1. Kegel exercises. Do them at every red light for the duration of the red light. Trust me. This becomes extremely impressive to your partner when done correctly. Oddly enough, it also makes childbirth go a lot smoother, if you plan on doing that crap again. I’ve done them regularly for about 10 years now. Can anyone say Kung Fu Grip?
  2. I read an article in Cosmo years ago about Altoids and cold water during oral sex. I’ll just say that it has a better effect on women than it does men. Some men like it – others are not impressed with the winter fresh coolness down there.
  3. NEVER use any muscle treatment (Bengay, Icy Hot, etc.) as lubricant. I know you’re laughing because you think everyone already knew that. Let me tell you that an ex of mine? Apparently did not. I was wondering what that smell was until I found out the hard way. Not a good time.
  4. NEVER fake an orgasm. This is like reinforcing bad behavior. He’ll do it the exact same way next time and you’ll have to fake it again. It’s a shitty cycle. I’ve never understood it.
  5. No matter what anyone says, women almost always feel an emotional connection with a guy they’re having sex with. I’m not saying we’ll always become attached; but if you think they guy is an idiot and are doing him just because he’s hot, your pleasure will not be as great as if you were with someone you actually give a shit about. Unless, of course, the hot guy happens to be amazingly talented in the sack. Then, of course, you’ll probably enjoy yourself either way. Just saying …
  6. Most guys don’t mind a little direction. I assume it’s much less embarrassing for a guy to get some pointers from a woman they are attempting to satisfy than it is to NOT satisfy her at all. Don’t start reading a book while he’s going down on you if you’re bored. Instruct him (whether to do it forcefully or nicely depends on the guy) or tell him to get on with the show already.
  7. Learn to predict penis size to avoid disappointment. I have  92% accuracy when predicting penis size. I have only been very wrong and surprised by one guy, and luckily, it was a pleasant surprise. My formula is pretty simple: body type+race+attitude= penis size. When it comes to the race factor, there are stereotypes for a reason. Think about it. I, personally, have never been with a black or asian man, but I have seen some movies that support these to be the biggest and smallest in penis size. I specialize (or used to, anyway) in white men so I suppose I’ll speak on what I know. Body type is important while predicting penis size. Tall, skinny white guys = large penis. Almost always long, and generally very decent girth. Big guys that could easily be football players = average sized penis. I know, I was baffled too. I will say that I personally prefer average. I like my guts to stay in place and I also prefer to be seen as “talented” in the oral department. If I can’t get it in my mouth, I hardly think I’ll be graded well. Short guys that are cocky, are usually that way for a reason. For one thing,a lot of short guys don’t get much play. They will often take a special interest in pleasing a woman so she wants to stick around. They also have usually been blessed downstairs as some kind of compensation from God or something. Take a chance. We’re all the same height when we’re lying down ;).

Day Five: Envy

Envy:  Seven things you lack and covet.

1. The ability to be charged as a minor. Being 16 rocked on every level. It helped that I had a fake ID, I’m sure. And that I lived in my own apartment by then made it rock a little harder, no doubt. But by far, the greatest part about being 16 was knowing that any crime I committed would be sealed in a juvenile record in just 2 short years. Those were the days.

2. The freedom that comes with the “single/ no kids” lifestyle. I wouldn’t trade my kid or husband in for the world (unless you threw in a slurpee, too) …. BUT as most of us often do, I sure do envy the woman who worries about no one but herself and her awesome career. I’m sure she is lonely from time to time. I’m sure she wishes she had the love of a man and a little blond kid every night when she sees a falling star. But when she’s out on a Wednesday night getting drunker than shit just because it’s fucking Wednesday and she felt like it? The husband and kid are about the furthest thing from her mind. On that Wednesday night,  I envy that woman.

3. XBOX 360 Kinect.

Honey? Are you reading this?? I want a Kinect for Christmas. It will make me less sinful to have one.

4. Style. I wouldn’t mind having a bit of it sometimes. As it stands now, I have -style. (That’s a “negative style” for those of you who are no good with integers.)

5. A close family. My family now is pretty tight. Of course, it’s just myself, my husband, my son, and my dog here … but we’re pretty in tune with one another. I just wish my former family was closer. My mom is my best friend – but my sister and I have so little in common it’s sometimes hard to find a solid connection. Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful she’s not like me in a million ways. Thank God for that. But I wish she and I spent more time together. It would help if we enjoyed it. Like participating in an activity we both dig or something. She sucks at Guitar Hero and I suck at life, so right now we’re 0 for 2.

6. The answers.

7. To all the tests and assignments in every math class I will have to take in the near future. I fucking hate math.

Day Four: Sloth

Day 4 – Sloth:  Seven things you neglect to do.

It’s a good thing I’m limited to 7 things here. This could have been a really long post.

1. Fold the clothes from the dryer. I am notorious for just pushing the “start” button again when the clothes have finished drying. On any given day, it is not unlikely that the clothes in the dryer? Have spun around for 2 or more cycles. I like them to be warm when I fold them. And I don’t like to fold them. So they’re warm once every 45 minutes for about a day and a half.

2. Dishes. I effin hate the dishes. I think it’s mostly because that was my job growing up in a family of five who never rinsed their plates. I put them off until there are no clean forks left.

3. Tax receipts. I have to input every receipt my husband brings home into an excel spreadsheet for taxes each year. It should actually be done each quarter. But I do it once a year. Right before they’re due.When I say every receipt, I mean every fucking receipt. Starbucks, gasoline, lunch daily? All receipts must be entered into this spreadsheet. There are 365 days a year. At least one receipt per day – usually more than 2 per day comes out to tons of crap I need to input. If I just did it daily, or even weekly, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But nooooo… I put it off until the last second and stay up all night the night before D-Day to have them finished. Thank God for Dragon Naturally Speak software. At least now I can just vocalize the entry instead of typing and tabbing all effin night.

4. Play cars. I am constantly telling Cole I’ll be there in a minute to put off playing cars. I hate playing cars.

5. Visit my grandparents. I am so bad about going to see them even though I know I need to. They’re both getting all kinds of old and while I don’t want to regret not spending more time with them, it’s hard to see them like that. I need to suck it up and stop being so selfish.

6. Listen. I’m not very patient. If you are talking too slow or in a manner I find to be irritating? I’ll interrupt. I tend to try to end your sentence for you in an effort to speed things up a bit. Not often – but it’s really got to be annoying when it happens. Not cool. Very rude. I’m working on it … but it’s been a slow process.

7. Call my dad. He’s always calling me to say hi and just shoot the shit, but I very rarely return the favor. It would really make him happy to hear from me out of the blue, but I just don’t do it very often. Every time I see the caller ID come up with his name on it, I think, “damn, I should have called him first”. Maybe it’s repressed anger. Or maybe I’m just busy. Or maybe I’m just thoughtless. Maybe I should call right now while I am thinking about it.

Day Three: Greed

Day 3 – Avarice (Greed):  Seven worldly material desires.

I don’t consider myself to be a materialistic person. Anyone who knows me will tell you the same thing (I think).

I once had a boyfriend who lived in a tent. This is not the beginning of a nursery rhyme. He really lived in a tent.

I have driven a car nicknamed “the coffin on wheels”. And the coolest part of that car was that the hood was tied down with a bike cable and lock. I still rolled it ’til the wheels fell off. Literally. Most my other cars prior to that one weren’t much better. A little safer – but not much better.

So, while there are far more than 7 things I can think of that I desire and are far beyond my needs, I’d have to say that of the many reasons I’ll be going to hell, greed is probably not going to be one of them.

  1. A huge house located close enough to the city to shop and go out at night (although I do neither of these things – it sounds nice), while far enough into the country to have a couple of acres of land for my dogs and horses to roam around.
  2. A door for mine and my husband’s bedroom. That would be really nice.
  3. A car that can switch back and forth between a standard and automatic transmission so I can go real fast, real quick when I want to but not have to deal with the charlie horse in my thigh after pushing the clutch in and out repeatedly during rush hour traffic. It will also have a sun/ moon roof and a ridiculous sound system.
  4. My own softball stadium. It could be in my backyard since I have all that extra space at my house.
  5. A Maid
  6. A Nanny
  7. Lap Band. I don’t weigh quite enough to get it now – but I’d like to have the option to gain enough weight, get it all taken off with a band, then feel free to repeat the process if necessary. Basically, I’d like to have a great body without having to diet or exercise regularly. Maybe that’s sloth. But since it’s pricey and that’s why I’m not eating Ho Ho’s til I puke to add the extra poundage to qualify? I consider it to be in the greed category.

Day 2: Gluttony

Day 2 – Gluttony:  Seven guilty pleasures.

1. When I think guilty pleasures? My immediate response is of course, chocolate. I love chocolate. I love chocolate and peanut butter. I love chocolate and nuts. I love chocolate all by itself.  My number 1 guilty pleasure of all time is without a doubt: CHOCOLATE

2. I don’t watch much television. When I do catch up on my shows it’s usually via online recorded episodes. This is because I would never dream of asking my son to change Spongebob Squarepants, which happens to air in during the same time (I think). Okay, so it’s mostly because I can’t seem to remember which day my crap is on TV and I don’t remember, until someone SPOILS the ending or results on Facebook, that I wanted to watch it.

Of these shows I watch most? THE BACHELOR/ BACHELORETTE is among the top 3. I can no longer tell a lie. I effing love these ridiculous “reality” shows that lead to the heartbreak of most and the temporary happiness of 2 lovely people who decide to marry one another after having only known their betrothed for 10 – 12 weeks. I even watched “The Bachelor Pad” spin-off recently. I loved every second.

3. I can’t leave out DANCING WITH THE STARS. Since I’m being honest and all, I may as well get it all out now.

4. CONTAINERS. I fucking love containers. Big ones, small ones, flat ones, tall ones. I love containers because I pretend I am organized from time to time. And because if there is a container for it? It’s in its place. I feel very accomplished with 17 containers filled with “like items” stacked in my garage. Job well done. House it organized.

Did you know that when I lived in Fort Worth? There was a Container Store there? It’s actually called The Container Store. I felt like my mother ship was calling me home each time I drove past it.

5. SWEATPANTS. Everyone likes to be comfortable. But I have to force myself to put on anything without an elastic waist these days. It’s very sad and very unfortunate for my husband. It’s a good thing I have cute undergarments.

6.  OFFICE SUPPLIES. I love pens and paper clips and tabs – oh, I love tabs for my file folders.

This makes me a huge nerd. But I’m okay with that.

7. MARLBORO REDS. I don’t care if you think smoking is gross. I think it is too – unless I am the one smoking.

My cigarettes bring me relief. They give me that needed break from the monotony or an  extremely busy, stressed  the fuck out day. The give me a satisfaction that can only be rivaled by sex and chocolate. All 3 within a 30 minute time frame? Perfection.

7 Deadly Sins

Paige has inspired me to take the 7 Deadly Sins Challenge. The idea is to post about the 7 Deadly sins and how they apply to me one at a time. The schedule will go as follows:

Day 1 – Vanity:  Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 – Gluttony:  Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 3 – Avarice (Greed):  Seven worldly material desires.
Day 4 – Sloth:  Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5 – Envy:  Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 6 – Wrath:  Seven things that piss you off.
Day 7 – Lust:  Seven love secrets

Day 1 – Vanity: Seven great things about myself.

  1. I see every single thing as a learning experience. Good, bad, perfect, or evil – there’s a lesson in everything, so long as we’re willing to listen and learn.
  2. I have an awesome kid. That’s got to say something good about me.
  3. I’m great in bed. What? It totally counts.
  4. I have great hair. I mean, no style or whatever… but it’s thick and long and I get compliments on it a lot.
  5. My codependency issues make me a great friend. I’m loyal to a fault. I can empathize with most people at any given time. And I forgive far too easily for things that I shouldn’t. Screwed up mentality – but great friend.
  6. I can laugh at myself.
  7. I am true to my word.