Tag Archives: He’s a smart one

Pulling Out All the Stops

We went and got a Christmas tree yesterday.

We are running a little behind this year. Whatever.

My husband asked that I get a little tree due to the limited amount of space we actually have for the tree. I planned on doing just that, but seeing as how it’s like 5 days until Christmas and all, our options were limited. I could have gotten the small one, but for some reason it was double the cost of the 7 ft. one I ended up choosing. For this tree to fit in the car, Cole was forced to move his back seat driver’s seat to the co-pilot chair in which he’s always dreamed of sitting.

What a fucking nightmare.

I can handle a guest DJ, if I must. I can even manage to fake a smile while the A/C and heater are turned on, off, back, and forth. But when he decided to attempt to throw the car in reverse (or park, I can’t be sure which) as I’m driving? I got a little irritated. Now, I don’t know this can even actually be done. I’ve never really tried. But because I don’t know if it can be done, I assume it can be done. I also assume the transmission can literally fall out from underneath the car. I’ve heard stories. I don’t know they’re not true.

After I told The Cole what could happen if he did that again, I assumed he would be as apprehensive as I was. Not actually the case, it turned out. But when I told The Cole what would most definitely happen if I saw him even reach for the shifter again, he apparently decided it wasn’t worth it after all. So off to the store for the next step of Christmas.

We don’t have any ornaments since last year’s tree was fake and had lights built in it. Also because I am NOT the Christmasy type and while I was willing to put on a show for the kid, I wasn’t willing to do any extra crap since he was barely 3 years old and couldn’t really appreciate it. So, like I said, no ornaments. That meant we obviously needed to purchase ornaments as well. And let’s not forget about the tinsel and the gaudy beaded necklace looking thingies.

Those of you who love the gaudy beaded necklace thingies – please don’t be offended. Anything can be nice in moderation. My Cole does not understand moderation just yet. This is Cole’s tree. There will be a massive amount of beaded necklace thingies and tons of tinsel.

I especially love the way tinsel falls to pieces all over my floor if I do so much as walk by it.

I’m getting distracted from my point by my Christmas spirit.

I can only think of 2 other instances that the kid was this ridiculously rowdy and disobedient in a store before now. Both times his behavior resulted in us leaving the store, his crying, and my hair being pulled out by the root. By me. Ohmygod. This kid was horrible. He was the kid I’m usually walking by thanking God that my kid doesn’t act like. He was the “but Mommy….” kid. The kid who felt the need to literally run up and down aisles full of customers just trying to purchase their Christmas crap all late and shit, like I was. He was the “but I want it…” kid. With the whiny fuckin voice. You know what I’m talking about. And as a result, I was the Mom who repeated the same threats repeatedly and apologized to the lady whose foot fell victim to my child’s insanity.

It was ridiculous.

I wanted to cancel Christmas.

So I did.

I called Santa Claus right there in the middle of the store and told him Cole didn’t want any presents this year. No real saw. No real wood. Nothing at all. I told him to go ahead and make the switch on his lists and to not bother coming to our place later this week unless he was just interested in eating some cookies and milk. It’s not his fault Cole can’t behave. I’m not going to slight him on his cookies.

I won’t get into the details of Cole’s response, as I prefer you don’t feel sorry for the kid who just put me through hell. It would suffice to say that he had a meltdown of the extreme kind. Even I almost felt bad. And I was there 5 minutes prior when he was such a little snot.

Until, Cole stopped abruptly in the middle of a sob and asked to use my phone. I, of course, let him have it. He plays off my guilt often. He punched some numbers and waited for Santa to answer before telling him that he was sorry and that he really wants real wood and a real saw. He waited a sufficient amount of time for Santa to respond. He nodded as though he understood what Santa was saying to him and could see the error of his ways. He said, “okay”, and ended the call, then handed my phone back to me. He looked at me with the biggest blue eyes with traces of tears and said, “I’m sorry, Mommy”.

I told him it was too bad he didn’t think of that before he acted like such a

No, I’m kidding. I fell for his little con act and picked him up for a hug. When I put him back down he ran down the aisle so he could show me the toy he really, really wanted and got pissed when I told him we couldn’t buy it.

Fucking perfect.