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Day Seven: Lust

Day 7 – Lust:  Seven love secrets  -  Disclaimer: I advise both my mother and my mother-in-law to stop here. Reading this will not benefit either of us. Come back tomorrow for something cute and cuddly! Love you!

I don’t do “secrets”, but I can offer some unsolicited advice in this particular area.

  1. Kegel exercises. Do them at every red light for the duration of the red light. Trust me. This becomes extremely impressive to your partner when done correctly. Oddly enough, it also makes childbirth go a lot smoother, if you plan on doing that crap again. I’ve done them regularly for about 10 years now. Can anyone say Kung Fu Grip?
  2. I read an article in Cosmo years ago about Altoids and cold water during oral sex. I’ll just say that it has a better effect on women than it does men. Some men like it – others are not impressed with the winter fresh coolness down there.
  3. NEVER use any muscle treatment (Bengay, Icy Hot, etc.) as lubricant. I know you’re laughing because you think everyone already knew that. Let me tell you that an ex of mine? Apparently did not. I was wondering what that smell was until I found out the hard way. Not a good time.
  4. NEVER fake an orgasm. This is like reinforcing bad behavior. He’ll do it the exact same way next time and you’ll have to fake it again. It’s a shitty cycle. I’ve never understood it.
  5. No matter what anyone says, women almost always feel an emotional connection with a guy they’re having sex with. I’m not saying we’ll always become attached; but if you think they guy is an idiot and are doing him just because he’s hot, your pleasure will not be as great as if you were with someone you actually give a shit about. Unless, of course, the hot guy happens to be amazingly talented in the sack. Then, of course, you’ll probably enjoy yourself either way. Just saying …
  6. Most guys don’t mind a little direction. I assume it’s much less embarrassing for a guy to get some pointers from a woman they are attempting to satisfy than it is to NOT satisfy her at all. Don’t start reading a book while he’s going down on you if you’re bored. Instruct him (whether to do it forcefully or nicely depends on the guy) or tell him to get on with the show already.
  7. Learn to predict penis size to avoid disappointment. I have  92% accuracy when predicting penis size. I have only been very wrong and surprised by one guy, and luckily, it was a pleasant surprise. My formula is pretty simple: body type+race+attitude= penis size. When it comes to the race factor, there are stereotypes for a reason. Think about it. I, personally, have never been with a black or asian man, but I have seen some movies that support these to be the biggest and smallest in penis size. I specialize (or used to, anyway) in white men so I suppose I’ll speak on what I know. Body type is important while predicting penis size. Tall, skinny white guys = large penis. Almost always long, and generally very decent girth. Big guys that could easily be football players = average sized penis. I know, I was baffled too. I will say that I personally prefer average. I like my guts to stay in place and I also prefer to be seen as “talented” in the oral department. If I can’t get it in my mouth, I hardly think I’ll be graded well. Short guys that are cocky, are usually that way for a reason. For one thing,a lot of short guys don’t get much play. They will often take a special interest in pleasing a woman so she wants to stick around. They also have usually been blessed downstairs as some kind of compensation from God or something. Take a chance. We’re all the same height when we’re lying down ;).